My name is Fawn and I've been studying Witchcraft and Paganism since I was old enough to check a book out of the library. I was raised in a Lutheran household and went to church with my parents until I was about 16 and finally put my foot down and refused to go back.
I was never offended by it, and I didn't have any terrible experiences there, I just never felt at home. I tried, I really did. I went to Sunday School, I had my first Communion, and I was confirmed. I payed attention during Sunday School and begged the teacher to go into more depth, leaving behind the safe watered down children's stories and explore other chapters. I even read the bible, on my own, with no prompting. I searched through the pages among the miracles and who begot who looking for direction.. and found none.
When I was 15 I went to a Lutheran Youth Convention in Georgia with my group. I went to all the services, and the workshops, and the concerts. During one concert I found myself sitting alone listening to the music that was supposed to sound modern enough to send a biblical message through to us because apparently unless you rap while you pray, young people can't understand it, and I found myself crying. Not because I was so moved but because I was so numb. I felt nothing, I tried and tried, and I prayed and prayed, but I felt nothing. That was pretty much where I stopped bothering. I gave up. I knew it wasn't for me, and anything I did was just me going through the motions for my parents sake and to fit in.
So I went the opposite route, I started listening to Marilyn Manson (who is really a better artist than anyone ever gives him credit for) I bought the Necronomicon, I hung a barbie from my ceiling, I painted inverted pentagrams on bathroom walls in my high-school and while I wasn't worshipping Satan (I never really believed in him, even then) I was trying to feel something. I guess it was just adolescent angst more than anything else and looking back on that time in my life it's no wonder no one wanted to take me seriously. I kept on in that vein doing everything I could to distance myself from everything I had ever tried to force myself to be until I met my husband.
For some reason finding the man I knew I wanted to marry made me feel that maybe church wasn't so stupid. He wasn't religious but I felt like that's what people did or were supposed. You grow-up and you go to church with your husband and your family on Sundays. We got engaged and got married in the church and continued to try to go on a regular basis. It was nice to go back and have everyone look at me differently, and be treated with respect. Then I realised, that was the only reason I was going, and that's not why you're supposed to go.
After we had our son we moved to Texas for a brief while and for once I felt free, I could believe in whatever I wanted without feeling the pressure from my parents to be Christian. I had always done Tarot Card readings, and Palm readings and many on my mothers side of the family were impressed with my uncanny accuracy, but it was always viewed as a hobby. Finally on my own I was free to explore these interests without feeling embarrassed. So I went back to buying as many books as I could on any type of Witchcraft, I bought divination tools, I started learning about the history of the craft itself rather than just what I could do with it. The more I got involved the more right it felt. It was on my first Imbolc celebration as I brought a candle to each room in the home to welcome back the light and clear away negativity, and made a Brighid's Bed to hang on my door, and poured milk into the earth as an offering of thanks, and made lamb stew that took almost 5 hours to make that I realized what I was, a Witch.
Everything I did on that day made me feel an unearthly and unexplained sense of peace. I felt joyous and connected to something so much older than I was. I not only saw but sensed and understood the beauty of the circle of life. The majesty and raw sexuality of the God and the Goddess. The glorious balance that was all things. When I came back, I knew nothing could sway me. I keep my beliefs and practices hidden still, only my husband and friends really know me, but I am me, and for once I don't feel numb and frightened when I think of the afterlife.
- Something I've seen on some other Pagan blogs is the same old lecture about what Pagan's are and are not. Personally I feel like if you've found this you're looking for more info and conjecture then simply being told we don't eat children and worship Satan.
- This is not meant to be a guide for parents so they can decipher what those scary books about Wicca their teens have been bringing home are all about. If you want to know what they're reading go get yourself a copy of the book and read it yourself, or ask if you can borrow it when they're done. Then you can decide for yourself if it's going to corrupt your little one.
- This is also not meant to be a study course. You'll probably see some useful information on here that I think might be helpful, but I do not teach courses in Wicca or Paganism and am simply trying to share some of the information I have gathered, my opinions, and some pagan entertainment suggestions.
- Finally you will not see the all-out bashing of other faiths. In personal conversations I may get up on a soap box and ramble but I have Christian and Catholic family and friends, an agnostic husband, and know many people who have participated in various religions. I don't claim to have all the answers so I have no interest in lecturing people about how "wrong" other faiths are.
You can reach me at Crimsonrose1014@aol.com, I love meeting new people and I'd be happy to answer any questions anyone would like to ask.